The quality of our life predominantly boils down to the quality of our relationships. They are the biggest source of joy and meaning in our lives.
At the same time, our relationships are also the source of most of our suffering. And more often than not, we ourselves are responsible for that suffering. We are not very aware of the many ways through which we subconsciously subvert our relationships. One of those ways is something called covert contracts.
A covert contract is an unspoken agreement you have within your head between you and somebody else. It’s what you expect someone to do — based on what you’re doing for them or based on what you expect from a relationship — without actually telling them about it. You hope they’ll just know.
It can take the form of something like “Since she’s my wife, she’ll do this for me”. Otherwise, it usually takes the form of “If I do this for them, they’ll do that for me”. Some examples:
- “If I’m nice to her, she’ll go out with me.”
- “If I agree with them, they’ll like me.”
- “If I work long and hard, my manager will promote me.”
This is colloquially referred to as “nice guy” behavior. But there’s nothing nice about it. It reflects a sense of entitlement and an egocentric perspective. The term “covert contract” was coined by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Other people don’t think like you. They also cannot read your mind. And they might not even want the thing you’re giving them. But with your covert contract, you don’t even give them a chance to say no.
Hidden expectations in your interactions are the surest way towards fractured relationships. If you hold someone to a contract they don’t know about, they’ll disappoint you… and it won’t be their fault. In that sense, covert contracts are like ticking time bombs — the other person stays unaware of your expectations, while your thoughts and emotions become more and more loaded with impatience and anger.
The problem here is sometimes deeper than just poor communication. Covert contracts often operate at the subconscious level, driven by the fear of confrontation or rejection. If one were to bring up their expectations directly, it might lead to some sort of conflict or rejection or the end of a relationship. There’s also perhaps an internalized sense of shame associated with asking for what they want.
This fear and shame originate from a lack of self-esteem. At some level, one might feel that they’re not worthy of having what they want. Or they might not believe in their ability to figure things out or build new relationships if things go south. This then unconsciously guides their behavior.
For them, it’s easier to just get angry about not getting their needs met. It’s also easier to avoid the risk of being vulnerable and owning what they want. So they avoid the difficult conversation and hide their needs, but continue to frustratingly hope that the other person will magically make sense of what they want. The frustration then shows up in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.
Since this behavior happens beneath our level of awareness, it’s important to investigate if we have unknowingly drafted any such covert contracts. In any of your relationships, be it friendships, romantic relationships, work, or family, if you ever feel a sense of resentment towards another person, introspect on whether you’re holding them to a covert contract.
In another post about understanding anger, we discussed how anger signals unmet needs and the constructive way to handle it is assertiveness. So the way out of covert contracts is to assert your needs and express them clearly. Be as direct and open and honest as you can be.
Relevant Plug: Why Anger is a Good Thing
This might lead to the end of some relationships. But if being open and honest about what you want drives someone away, they’re not a good fit for you. And if someone’s not a good fit, it’s always better to end the relationship nice and early.
Remember, anytime you hide what you want, you inflict a wound on your sense of self. This can create a vicious cycle wherein you become more and more scared of going after what you want. So make sure you honor your needs and values.
You’d be surprised how far you can get in life by simply asking for what you want.
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