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Energy Budgeting

At any point, we have a certain amount of life energy available for expenditure. The mind automatically budgets this energy, optimizing for our needs and desires.

Of course, our most important need is self-preservation. So if the mind perceives any threat to our survival, it often spends a big chunk of energy on getting us into a heightened/dissociated state to cope with the threat. In that moment, there’s no budget left to afford things like beauty, rationality, openness, mindfulness, etc. That’s a travesty because these things can be very useful for problem-solving and “threat” mitigation.

Anyway, all our minds have this budgeting problem to varying degrees. It’s because we use an archaic accounting software that relies on past expenses to predict future costs. To be fair, there’s no objective cost sheet the mind can reference to make “optimal” budgeting decisions. Each situation and individual is idiosyncratic.

So what determines the degree of our “budgeting problems”?

In childhood, when we do not have the means to acquire higher-order thinking and larger perspectives, our mind copes with complex threats by allocating all energy resources to primitive services like panic and dissociation (again, to be fair, it works). The more complex the threat (relative to our cognitive development at that point), the bigger the energy outlay.

Later in life, when any situation resembles the childhood threat, the mind’s legacy system references historical costs and makes a similar energy expenditure prioritizing the primal problem-solving strategies — anxiety, emotional shutdown (depression), hostility, etc. The mind doesn’t know that advanced problem-solving strategies have now become affordable. So we remain trapped.

But you can’t just show your mind an arbitrary cost sheet and tell it to update its models accordingly. If your cost estimations are off the mark, you can end up being bankrupt. So the mind will justifiably not allow such financial (existential) risks.

So how do we solve the budgeting problem?

Well, one way is to take whatever little life energy savings we have each day and start investing it in virtuous assets like meditation, exercise, quality nutrition, nourishing conversations etc. These assets then start generating more life energy for us. So it becomes a nice little virtuous cycle that keeps compounding. This new source of energy income can then be reinvested into more virtuous assets. But it can also be simultaneously used to afford states like wonder, joy, optimism, compassion, etc. These states give you the momentum to keep going. Initially, you’ll have to start small but it will all add up big time over time.

Now, trying to fill the bucket is important. But it’s more important to fix the leak in the bucket and clean up the water inside. Otherwise, all our efforts will go in vain. Our unnecessary energy expenditures eat into our savings and put a ceiling on our growth. These expenditures often also, directly and indirectly, lead to more exorbitant costs down the line. So our priority should be to stop this vicious cycle and fix the budgeting problem.

Now the way to do it will be unique to a certain degree for everyone because we all have a unique past and a unique mind. But at the same time, we are more similar than different. Mostly, the process comes down to showing (not telling) the mind that large energy expenses for self-preservation are no longer needed. That’s what healing is mostly about.

So leverage other people’s wisdom and figure it out at any cost. Because once you do it, life will never be the same again. Imagine how much life energy would get freed up if you were not caught up in the game of self-preservation. You’d then be able to use all that energy to create more energy. You’d always have enough to afford joy, ecstasy, love, wonder, and every other beautiful state that you can conceive of.

That’s how you become existentially wealthy, a happiness billionaire.

Towards an Integrated Sense of Self

Most self-help literature deals just with the surface-level symptoms of deeper problems. So the solutions they provide are mostly band-aids — just cultivate good habits, simply change your beliefs, come on make better decisions! Or they try to instill wisdom through propositions — think positively, be authentic, dream big! (as if you just need to flick a switch)

I mean sure, those are important and useful ideas. And they may even help you. But you can’t really expect transformation through platitudes or surface-level strategies. The strategies anyway won’t work long-term if the foundations are flimsy. What we need is a more nuanced understanding of the problems that are at the core of all the friction in our lives.

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The Problem With Emil Ciorans of This World

This is a slightly edited version of an email I wrote to a friend expressing my feelings around certain ideas of Emil Cioran. Emil Cioran was a Romanian philosopher who engaged with the issues of suffering, suicide, failure and nihilism (among other things).

I was thinking about what you said about suicide and failure. And so I read about Emil Cioran and his work. I have strong feelings around these ideas and would like to express them with more clarity.

I couldn’t relate to what Cioran had to say at all. He seems to have a unique voice and way of saying things, but at the core, it’s the same old nihilistic and anti-natalist rhetoric, just a bit more poetic. I’m not saying we should discard nihilism. It’s a valuable idea. But I don’t see any value in cynicism and anti-natalism. Those ideas are only useful for revealing the depravity of its proponents.

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Metta Contemplation — Cultivating Love

Acceptance, Positivity, Compassion — most self-help literature talks about these things as if we can turn them on by flicking a switch. Noooo. These are actually skills that develop through years of deliberate, conscious practice. Like learning how to play a musical instrument. The same goes for love.

And if that’s the case, it begs a powerful and important question — How can I learn to love more deeply?

Over the last year or so, love has been the central theme of all my explorations. I’ve been on a mission to cultivate more love in my life — to heal, to deepen my relationships, and to evolve. One of the powerful tools that I’ve come across on this journey has been Metta Contemplation (also referred to as loving-kindness meditation).

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The Skill of Acceptance — How Exactly Does One “Let Go”

Whenever we’re faced with an uncomfortable thought, emotion, or situation — our first instinct is to avoid it or fight it. The intention is self-protection. We try to protect our sense of self by rejecting that experience. The rejection usually comes in the form of unconscious avoidance and also provides temporary relief, reinforcing the behavior. This is our default strategy when it comes to handling any form of distress.

This unwillingness to make conscious contact with the difficult experience usually leads to, paradoxically, even more of that experience and greater reactivity to it. When we fight (or avoid) reality, we cripple our ability to manage our emotions and cope with the situation. And running away from the problem only increases the distance from the solution. Avoidance also induces unconsciousness of our inner life, weakening the connection we have with ourselves.

On some level, you know all this. You also “know” the importance of acceptance in such situations and in general. At least propositionally (Or rather, only propositionally).

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The Power of Singing and Dancing

Music is among the few universal aspects of the human experience. It is so deeply embedded in our lives that we almost take it for granted. We have been singing and dancing for millennia. And these activities have played a big role in our cultural and biological evolution.

Not just at the collective level, but music also commands influence at the individual level. It has the power to alter our psychology and physiology in significant ways. And we should be leveraging this power to bring positive changes in our lives.

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Sensory Processing Sensitivity — Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

Throughout my life, I’ve felt things intensely. And for a long time, it overwhelmed and disturbed me. I would often get overpowered by my feelings and feel helpless in emotionally charged situations, finding it difficult to express myself.

It’s hard to capture and compare our internal landscapes. But one thing that always stood out was how easily I would get to the verge of crying. Even now, the slightest of emotional stories can easily move me to tears.

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Understanding Validation as a Skill

“You should never care about what other people think!”

Seeking validation is generally seen as a bad thing. Of course, an incessant need for external validation can divorce us from our true selves. But, we are social creatures. Human connection is vital for our survival and validation is actually one of our most basic needs. You’d literally go crazy if you were put in solitary confinement (even if it had all the luxuries in the world).

Being seen and heard is also foundational for our sense of self. Our self-esteem only takes root when our early efforts at independence and expressions of uniqueness are validated by our parents. Being neglected can leave a person psychologically crippled. The validation of other human beings is what makes us human. Even in general, we can imagine we are independent, smart, funny, whatever, but only other people can truly confirm this for us.

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Your Relationship with Money

A large part of our life revolves around money. It influences so many of our decisions, consciously and unconsciously. And we spend so much time and energy accumulating money or thinking about money. It’s inevitable then that “money problems” are the source of much of the suffering in our world.

Given how much impact it has on your life, your relationship with money deserves a deeper analysis. It can give you a lot of insight into your psyche. Also, a healthy relationship with money can make a drastic difference to the quality of your life.

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Psychological Trauma — We Are All Traumatized

When we hear the word “trauma“, we usually associate it with major traumatic events like natural disasters, sexual abuse, assault, extreme neglect, wars, etc. But that’s just acute trauma.

Trauma, like everything else, seems to fall on a spectrum. Those who we label as sufferers of trauma have merely crossed some arbitrary threshold that is used to categorize those that exhibit the most severe symptoms of trauma (then labeled as PTSD).

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Overcoming our Egocentrism — Getting better at solving problems

In his time, King Solomon was considered the personification of wisdom. People would travel great distances to seek his counsel. However, his own life did not reflect that wisdom. He had an uncontrolled passion for money and women. He made multiple bad decisions. And he neglected his duties as a father, which resulted in his son growing up to be an incompetent tyrant, ultimately bringing ruin upon the kingdom.

We all have this tendency to be smarter and wiser and more reasonable about other people’s problems than our own. Psychology refers to this as Solomon’s Paradox.

It’s so easy for us to give good advice on how to think and what to do to a friend who’s going through something difficult. But when it comes to our own problems, our wisdom suffers a big drop — we second-guess ourselves, we take things too seriously, we often make stupid decisions.

What’s the reason behind this asymmetry?

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The Paradox of Choice

We are living in a world of infinite possibilities.

In every area, we have more options and choices than ever before. And they are ever-increasing. Entertainment, luxuries, hobbies, careers, partners — endless variety in everything. You are also freer than any generation before to choose your own religion, philosophy, moral code, and even gender. You are free to design your life however you want it, at least on paper. Contrast this with the life of your grandparents. They lived a life of limited avenues, bounded by tradition.

But all this freedom comes at a great cost, which is what the paradox of choice is about.

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Self-Esteem — The Foundation of Your Life

How you relate to the world mirrors how you relate to your self. Your sense of self lays down the foundation for how you think, how you feel, and how you behave. And so, the quality of your life is disproportionately dependent on the health of this sense of self — in other words, the level of your self-esteem.

We try to get at the notion of self-esteem through various vague concepts — self-image, self-worth, self-talk, self-love, etc. Even when we talk about the ideas of “inner work” or “insecurities” or “seeking validation” or “ego”, we are indirectly talking about self-esteem.

Given how central it is to everything we do and experience in life, the idea of self-esteem deserves more nuance. There’s much more to it than just “loving yourself”.

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Parasitic Processing — The Cognitive Science of Overthinking

Every once in a while, we get caught up in a web of negative thoughts.

We worry about possibilities that may or may not happen. We create imaginary “what if” scenarios. We replay conversations in our heads. The thoughts race around in stupid loops, often taking a dark turn. It’s like we lose control of our own minds. Not a cool place to be.

To figure out how to break out of that state, we first need to understand and deconstruct the cognitive processing that goes on in our minds when we’re “overthinking”.

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Hyperbolic Discounting — What makes something a priority

Why is it so hard to build good habits, to follow through on our plans?

You know it’s not a “time” problem. I mean we have 100+ waking hours every week. No matter how “busy” you are, setting aside a few hours to exercise or learn or meditate or whatever should be easy. But it’s not. Because we fail to prioritize these things.

So it’s a “priority” problem. That’s why the question — what makes something a priority?

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Psychotechnology — Enhancing Your Intelligence

Technology basically means systematic use of a tool. A physical tool fits your biology and enhances it. For example, a bottle fits your hand and enables you to carry water. Psychotechnology  refers to tools that fit your mind and enhance how it operates.

Think of psychotechnology as installing a new program on a computer. The hardware stays the same but new programs enable you to increase the repertoire of processes you can run. Psychotechnologies enable novel kinds of perceptions, emotions, and cognition — new ways of using our minds.

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Covert Contracts — The Invisible Saboteurs of Relationships

The quality of our life predominantly boils down to the quality of our relationships. They are the biggest source of joy and meaning in our lives.

At the same time, our relationships are also the source of most of our suffering. And more often than not, we ourselves are responsible for that suffering. We are not very aware of the many ways through which we subconsciously subvert our relationships. One of those ways is something called covert contracts.

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Why Anger is a Good Thing

Anger is a misunderstood emotion. Society often paints it in a negative light. There’s a sense of shame attached to feeling angry. But there are no wrong emotions. Every emotion provides us valuable information and guidance.

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The 4 Root Causes of Procrastination

Procrastination is a universal phenomenon and most of us struggle with it.

But procrastination is not the problem. It’s a symptom of an underlying problem.

And as ever, your problems are unique to you. That’s why there’s no universal solution for procrastination.

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How to Handle Difficult Emotions

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to handling difficult emotions is pushing them away.

Your emotions provide valuable information and guidance. They tell you what you want out of life, what you don’t, what you need to work on, etc. Each emotion serves a specific purpose.

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The Endocannabinoid System — How Cannabis Works

While researching cannabis, scientists identified a whole new system that facilitates the effects of cannabis. They named it the Endocannabinoid system (of course). The endocannabinoid system exists and plays an important role in your body even if you don’t use cannabis. It’s primarily made up of two components — Endocannabinoids and Cannabinoid receptors.

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Stress — The Usual Suspect

In our day-to-day language, the word “stress” is used very narrowly. For the most part, I’ve heard people use it only in the context of major life events or work.

But there’s important nuance to stress. It’s more dangerous than you think and needs to be taken seriously. There’s a reason why it is the leading cause of most mental and physical illnesses.

A lot of your problems can be traced back to stress. You’ll make the connections as we dive deeper.

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The Fear of Loneliness

So many of our fears can be traced back to the fear of loneliness.

But we don’t like to admit it. Because we have been conditioned to believe that if someone’s alone, there’s something wrong with them. There’s probably something diseased and troubling within their character. And so they have been rejected by the world.

Since the idea of being lonely is shameful, we cover up the fear in multiple layers of superficial concerns. But if you peel away the layers, you’d be surprised at how many of your fears and worries originate from the fear of loneliness.

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Understanding Psychological Projection — Your Inner Garbage and Gold

What we are aware of… what exists in our consciousness… our ego… is only a sliver of our total personality. As you’re probably aware, the unconscious, which lies beneath that tip of the iceberg, is the far larger realm of our psyche.

Starting in childhood, we psychically cut off parts of ourselves that don’t get approval or acceptance from society. Your “shadow self” becomes the collection of these repressed aspects (both negative and positive) of your identity. And it influences every area of your life — your beliefs, desires, fears, aspirations.

One of the ways in which the shadow leaks out of our personality is through the psychological phenomenon called projection.

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The Physiology of Willpower

We know what we need to do to get where we want to. We know the things that we need to avoid and cut out.

But when it comes to making things happen, we often fail to follow through and give in to our temptations. It happens to all of us. We fail to win these battles because in that moment we lack the required “willpower” to overcome the resistance.

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Self Sabotage — Are you getting in your own way?

More often than not, you get in your own way.

Sometimes it’s just laziness or inability to resist temptations. Sometimes it’s purely bad luck.

But if you find yourself frequently falling back into old patterns, there might be deeper underlying issues.

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Hedonic Adaptation — On Optimizing the Pursuit of Happiness

I was flipping through Morgan Housel’s new book The Psychology of Money and an anecdote caught my eye.

At a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island, Kurt Vonnegut informs his pal, Joseph Heller, that their host, a hedge fund manager, had made more money in a single day than Heller had earned from his wildly popular novel Catch-22 over its whole history. Heller responds, “Yes, but I have something he will never have… enough.”

There’s an important lesson in there which might seem obvious but does not come intuitively to us.

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Discovering Your Personal Values

What’s your life about? What do you most value? What would you never compromise on?

These are important questions. Because they reveal the values that influence the way you live your life and shape the decisions you make.

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