More often than not, you get in your own way.
Sometimes it’s just laziness or inability to resist temptations. Sometimes it’s purely bad luck.
But if you find yourself frequently falling back into old patterns, there might be deeper underlying issues.
A lot of the time, we even fail to recognize these patterns. Because our brains are very good at rationalizing away our failures or attributing them to some external factors.
A part of you may want to eat healthy, work out, have great relationships, work on your side projects, take risks, and all that good shit. But at the same time, you might have subconscious programs that run counter to these conscious goals and desires.
These subconscious programs can easily override or enmesh into your higher-order thinking. This way your subconscious impulses sabotage your efforts to go after what you want, leaving you feeling guilty and frustrated. Hence the term — self-sabotage.
What does self-sabotage look like?
Procrastination. Substance abuse. Indecisiveness. Cheating on your partner. Not honoring commitments. Making excuses or rationalizations.
Basically, any kind of patterned destructive behavior that sabotages your long-term goals.
You can try to use willpower or external pressure to force yourself into action and do the right thing. But it’s an unsustainable strategy if you’ve got deeper issues. Fighting against your subconscious will only lead to unnecessary struggle.
As always, awareness is the first step towards change.
Let’s take a look at some of the underlying reasons behind self-sabotage. Hope it gives you something to think about.
Fear
Fear is usually at the center of self-sabotage.
If you say you want to change and grow, but don’t take any action towards it, you’re subconsciously very comfortable with where you are. Even though it might make you feel miserable.
It’s comfortable to stay in a familiar situation. Going after what you want means taking risks and facing uncertainty.
You’ll have to face rejections. You’ll have to make sacrifices while everyone else is making big moves. And there’s always the possibility that, despite your best efforts, you might come up short. Perhaps you’ll have to face up to the reality that you’re not good enough.
Naturally, the pressure of becoming the best version of you would feel too much. The lesser version is easier. So you fold to the pressure. And then you rationalize away your fears and shift the goalposts to protect your ego.
It’s not just the fear of failure that makes us self-sabotage. Fear of success, too, is a real thing. It sounds absurd but success carries a responsibility with it.
Achieving success means entering unchartered territory. You’ll be under the spotlight, facing scrutiny and criticism. You’ll be exposed to more pressure and demands.
The anxious part of you would rather not take the risk. So you subconsciously sabotage your progress.
You prefer the status quo because you fear the unknown. It’s much easier to procrastinate and live on the “someday I will…” philosophy.
Deservedness
If you feel that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re unworthy, you’ll often engage in self-defeating behavior without even realizing it.
The lack of self-worth leads to negative self-talk which further fuels your fears and self-sabotaging behaviors.
“I’m not good enough.”
“Everyone is better than me.”
“I’ll never be able to do that.”
This kind of behavior often stems from deep-seated childhood issues.
You need to not only want it but feel like you deserve it. Because if at some level you feel you don’t deserve whatever it is that you have or want, you’ll subconsciously find ways to fuck it up.
Misaligned Values
Ideally, you should be doing the best things for yourself naturally. If you find yourself procrastinating frequently and not following through on your plans, maybe ask yourself if you even want it in the first place (instead of looking for new “tactics” or “hacks” to get yourself to do the things you need to).
When you chase something that you don’t really want, you’ll obviously face subconscious resistance.
This usually happens when you let society dictate what your life should look like. Or when you let your fears dictate your goals. If you compromise on your values, you’ll never be at peace with yourself.
Even if you succeed, it wouldn’t mean much to you. You’ll find yourself acting in ways that are detrimental to what you’ve achieved as we often see in mid-life crises.
Narrative Identity and Self-Limiting Beliefs
You form an identity by integrating your life experiences into an internalized, evolving story.
Through this narrative, you form preconceived notions about who you are and how the world works. And if something does not fit that schema, your first instinct is to reject it or give up.
“I’m not cut out for entrepreneurship.”
“This is who I am.”
“You need a lot of luck to achieve that.”
You put yourself in a box. This way you self-sabotage by closing yourself off to possibilities.
In a similar vein, having a “victim” narrative makes people believe that they have no control over their life and that bad things always happen to them. Subconsciously, they act in a way that ensures what happens to them is congruent with their beliefs.
If any of the above statements felt like a personal attack, maybe you should spend more time thinking about it. The first step is to bring the deeper issues to surface.
Here’s a good place to start: Belief System — The Architecture of Your Life
Thank you for reading. Most of the content on this website has emerged from conversations with readers like you.
Every Sunday, I send out an email dissecting some aspect of the human mind.
If you can take out a few minutes every week, I’ll help you develop a strong understanding of how your mind works. So that you can have more control over your thoughts, behavior, and life.
You can sign-up below.
Or you can sign-up after reading my story and the core idea behind this website: We Should Be Getting More Out of Our Lives (would recommend)