So many of our fears can be traced back to the fear of loneliness.
But we don’t like to admit it. Because we have been conditioned to believe that if someone’s alone, there’s something wrong with them. There’s probably something diseased and troubling within their character. And so they have been rejected by the world.
Since the idea of being lonely is shameful, we cover up the fear in multiple layers of superficial concerns. But if you peel away the layers, you’d be surprised at how many of your fears and worries originate from the fear of loneliness.
See it for yourself. Take one of your fears. Or something that disturbs you / makes you uncomfortable. Now consecutively ask yourself “So what?” until you get to the root fear. Here’s an example from Tim Ferriss’ Tribe of Mentors:
Because of our brilliant self-deceptive abilities, we never really confront this fear directly. It lingers in the depths of our consciousness and influences every single decision we make.
The fear of loneliness is one of our most primal fears. Back in the day, we would not have survived on our own. So it was important for us to be a meaningful member of a social group. The fear and pain of loneliness evolved to ensure we maintain strong relationships with people we can rely on in times of need. It motivated us to seek the attention and approval of other members of the tribe — and thereby improved our chances of survival and of passing on our genes.
You can probably see how this fear pushes us to conform, to fit in. It divorces us from our true selves. We are forced to suppress and hide our quirks, our insecurities, our wildness. And encouraged to present a sophisticated cheerful facade.
Relevant plug: We are all narcissists — On overcoming the need for external validation
I mean look at everyone broadcasting the highlight reel of their life. Quite ironic that the technology meant to enhance our connections is just further alienating us.
There’s a gap between what we see in ourselves and what is generally acceptable to our “tribe”. Very few people go against the grain. So we see little evidence for our peculiarities in public discourse, creating a sense of shame within us.
This sense of shame, the fear of judgment and rejection — everything boils down to the fear of loneliness. As long as this fear persists, we’ll hesitate to share our deepest insecurities, our eccentricities, our talents — and so our relationships (and so our life) will never reach the magical heights and depths we aspire of.
And by disrupting our individuality, the fear of loneliness also robs us of the connection we have with ourselves.
The way to overcome the fear of loneliness is through radical honesty and becoming okay with the idea of being alone. You have to make genuine peace with the prospect of a life by yourself.
And as cheesy as that might sound, the only way to do that is falling in love with who you are in your entirety — including your flaws, struggles, and insecurities.
Counterintuitively, when you become okay with the idea of being alone and let your true self come through, you’ll effortlessly build beautiful relationships.
As they say — Hold on and you lose it. Let go and you have it.
Thank you for reading. Most of the content on this website has emerged from conversations with readers like you.
Every Sunday, I send out an email dissecting some aspect of the human mind.
If you can take out a few minutes every week, I’ll help you develop a strong understanding of how your mind works. So that you can have more control over your thoughts, behavior, and life.
You can sign-up below.
Or you can sign-up after reading my story and the core idea behind this website: We Should Be Getting More Out of Our Lives (would recommend)