“You should never care about what other people think!”
Seeking validation is generally seen as a bad thing. Of course, an incessant need for external validation can divorce us from our true selves. But, we are social creatures. Human connection is vital for our survival and validation is actually one of our most basic needs. You’d literally go crazy if you were put in solitary confinement (even if it had all the luxuries in the world).
Being seen and heard is also foundational for our sense of self. Our self-esteem only takes root when our early efforts at independence and expressions of uniqueness are validated by our parents. Being neglected can leave a person psychologically crippled. The validation of other human beings is what makes us human. Even in general, we can imagine we are independent, smart, funny, whatever, but only other people can truly confirm this for us.
You can then imagine how fundamental a skill validation is to all our relationships. It facilitates the feeling of being understood and valued, from which everything else flows. Giving and receiving validation is the mechanism through which we connect to other people.
Bids for Connection
Throughout our life, we make little requests for connection from each other. These requests often come in the form of seemingly insignificant gestures — like sharing a meme or a song (or when you don’t have much in common, talking about the weather).
When a friend shares a song with you, the song’s not that important. What they’re trying to do is connect over a shared experience. When you accept their “bid for connection”, pay attention to what they’re sharing, and then validate what they’re feeling about it — you strengthen that relationship.
The bid can even be something very faint, like letting out an audible sigh. If you pay attention, you’ll see these bids for connection all around you. But we end up being oblivious to a lot of them. This might not feel like a big deal, but behind most of these small bids is a yearning for deeper connections.
People don’t feel comfortable opening up without an invitation and without knowing it’s safe to do so. It’s also against the “norms” to dump your feelings on someone randomly. That’s why we first test the waters with small bids. Learning to recognize these bids and then validating them in a way that makes people feel comfortable to further open up is a very underrated skill. It is what takes listening to another level.
Even in your strongest relationships, you’ll find that there’s a lot of scope for revelation. The other person will truly open up to you — their deepest fears, most painful memories, wildest desires — only when you make them feel completely safe and comfortable confiding in you. This is what makes validation a critical skill for building deep, meaningful relationships. And so, we should make a conscious endeavor to understand the nuances of validation and get good at it.
Avoiding Invalidation
People reach out for connection when they feel lost and low. In that moment, they’re looking for someone to understand and acknowledge their pain. But instead, they often get comments that invalidate their emotions — “don’t worry”, “don’t cry”, “let it go”, “get over it” and so on. This runs deep.
From an early age, society conditions us to believe that there are certain emotions we “should” and “should not” feel. We are shamed in various ways for feeling sadness, anger, anxiety, and even pain. So it’s only inevitable that not only we not know how to deal with these emotions ourselves, but we also don’t know how to help other people when they’re suffering. And so, when they express the turmoil they’re going through, we basically tell them to not feel what they’re feeling. It’s totally well-intended but stupid.
If you tell someone they should or should not feel a certain way, it undercuts their emotional reality and aggravates their inner conflicts. Judgment, of any kind, is invalidating. Even if what they’re feeling is irrational (which they probably already know), it’s not very helpful to point that out or say something along the lines of “it’s not that big a deal”.
Other ways in which we invalidate people’s emotions is by jumping in with assurance or unsolicited advice. Your unsolicited advice suggests that you know how to solve their problem better than they do. Advice, encouragement, and assurance can be helpful, but only when the other person is in the right headspace to receive it. If a friend opens up to you and says, “I think I am unattractive”, saying “No, that’s not true at all!” does not do much for them.
Because here’s the thing — people cannot think straight and work through their problems when they are blinded by emotions. And those emotions only get more intense if fought or suppressed. But if you validate what they’re feeling, you help them see through and accept those emotions. It becomes easier for them to process what they’re feeling and rise above it. From this place, they can then think more clearly and also open up to your inputs.
More often than not, you’ll see that people already knew how to solve their problems. They just needed some help to get in touch with themselves. But even if they’re explicitly looking for advice, it’s better to take a moment to validate their emotional struggle first. It goes a long way in easing their emotional turmoil. There’s a reason why venting out (to the right person) feels good.
Developing Validation as a Skill
Validation is simply the act of recognizing and affirming the validity of a person’s emotions. A validating response shows the other person that you not only hear what they’re feeling but also understand why they’re feeling that way.
Here are a few examples:
“That must be really frustrating”
“If I was in your place, I would be worried too”
“I can’t imagine what you might be going through, it must be really hard”
“You have all the rights to be pissed”
“That’s a big challenge, it’s natural to feel anxious”
“I totally get why you feel that way”
“I can relate, I was in a similar situation once and felt equally helpless”
The essence of a good validating response is — “I hear you, I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way”. The key is to identify a specific emotion and then offer justification for feeling that emotion.
To be able to do that skillfully, we need to empathize with the other person and put ourselves in their shoes. Seek to understand where they’re coming from and you’ll see that their feelings make sense (even the irrational ones). Especially when you factor in their background, their fears, and desires, etc. Remember, validation is non-judgmental. It justifies what the other person is feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad”.
What also goes a long way is micro-validations that let the other person know you’re paying attention, not judging them, and that they’re safe to continue opening up. Some examples:
“No way”
“Really?!”
“That makes sense.”
“Yeah, I can see that”
“That’s ridiculous!”
Validating Positive Emotions
When someone around us is distressed, we proactively give them our attention, almost as a duty. But we don’t really do it with the same intensity when someone is sharing a positive emotion. Validation should not just be restricted to negative emotions. It’s equally important to validate people’s positive emotions.
When you validate a positive experience for someone, you add a boost to their excitement and happiness. It also encourages them to keep going and go for bigger things. You probably know this from your own experience. How good does it feel to have someone who joins your celebrations, hypes you up, and shows belief in your abilities. It’s easy to do the same for others, with simple words like —
“You have every right to be proud, that’s a major achievement”
“That’s so exciting!”
“This must feel amazing”
“You killed it out there!”
“This is so good!”
The truth is that people, especially men, are starving for compliments. We can do a lot of good just by being more liberal with our praise and validation.
“Happiness is only real when shared.” — Christopher McCandless
Validating When You Disagree
We live in a cold harsh world, where we are continually measured — are we good enough, competent, attractive? We rarely feel free of this scrutiny. One slip and you would have to bear the weight of negative judgments for a long time. At the same time, we also have the feeling that other people are always trying to take from us — our money, our energy, our time. And so, we naturally put our walls up and stay on guard to protect ourselves.
When you are in a disagreement, the other person will automatically take a defensive stance to protect their ideas, feelings, and resources. More so if you attack their position. In such a situation, you will not achieve anything through arguments or rationalizations. If you want the disagreement to have a productive outcome, you have to start with validating the other person’s thoughts and emotions.
Validating someone does not mean that you agree with them. It communicates that you understand their perspective. That’s a pre-requisite if you want them to see your point of view. If you don’t “hear” the other person, they won’t hear you. Again, the process is the same. You try to understand where they’re coming from and tell them what they’re feeling is justified.
“I get why you are feeling that way”
“I can see why this seems unfair to you”
“I can understand why you feel you deserve more”
“You have every right to be frustrated”
But don’t just offer a line or two as lip service. Build on it, try to mirror their thought process, and show that you actually understand where they’re coming from. This instills a feeling of inner security within the other person. Feeling inwardly secure, they are able to relax and lower their guards. The tension in the conversation is eased. Their resistance softens. And they become open to hearing what you’ve got to say.
If someone is angry or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback. Validation is also a valuable skill for navigating disagreements, confrontations, and disagreements. It is the golden key that unlocks people’s defenses.
Which also makes it a potent tool for manipulation. But here’s the thing — if you are not genuine and honest with your “validation”, most people will see through you. And it will have the exact opposite of the intended effect.
Validating Yourself
You cannot pour from an empty cup. To get skilled at understanding and validating others, we first need to get good at validating ourselves. We are often our worst critics, judging our emotions and then suppressing them. We don’t allow ourselves to feel freely, and so we inevitably fail to completely understand what others are feeling.
Empathy requires us to identify and accept other people’s emotions without judgment. If you can’t do that for your own emotions, you’ll obviously have a hard time doing it for others. Also, if you’re busy fighting your own emotions, you’ll be too self-absorbed to direct your attention outwards towards other people.
Relevant Plug: How to Handle Difficult Emotions
“I should not be scared”, “I’m wrong for feeling angry”, “I should not get too excited about this” — just allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without invalidation. All that we discussed above about validating others equally applies to validating yourself.
Treat yourself as you’d treat a loved one. The more you understand the human mind, the more you’ll see that self-love is the cornerstone of almost everything that we’re seeking in life.
This article was inspired by Michael Sorensen’s book I Hear You. Would highly recommend checking it out, very short and valuable read.
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