We are all narcissists — On overcoming the need for external validation

“Don’t worry about what other people think” is useless advice (well-intended though). Try this — don’t think of a pink rhinoceros. Were you successful?

You see, deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts only make them more likely to surface. When you tell yourself “stop thinking about X!”, the mind monitors all your thoughts and brings anything that revolves around “X” to your conscious awareness. (This is called the Ironic process theory.)

To stop worrying about what others think, we first need to dig a little deeper and find out where the worry originates. Human beings are social creatures. We evolved in tribes. So we are wired to seek attention and validation of our peers. And to a certain degree, it’s even healthy. Because it lays down the foundation for feeling understood and valued, which is essential.

But an incessant need to feel validated can divorce us from our true selves. As long as you crave external validation, you’ll never feel at one with yourself and unconsciously behave in ways that don’t serve you.

It’s something I’ve struggled with and still do to some extent. Writing publicly forced me to confront it. I found myself obsessing about subscribers, open rates, followers, retweets, etc. Which then made me aware of other subtle validation-seeking behaviors I had not noticed. This need for external validation was blocking my creativity and authentic expression. So I had to dig deeper and figure out what was going on in my mind.

Here’s what I have figured.

From the moment we are born, we feel an unquenchable need for attention. But the thing with attention is that there’s only so much of it to go around. As we grow and separate from our mother, we face the real world where our needs are not instantly gratified. We realize that we cannot be dependent on others for attention and validation.

So we construct a self, an image of ourselves that comforts us and makes us feel validated from within. This self is made up of our tastes, our beliefs, our values. If the process goes well, we get a self that we can cherish and love. In moments of loneliness and self-doubt, we can retreat to this self and soothe ourselves

But more often than not, this process does not go smoothly. Our early experiences shape our sense of self. Stressful events in childhood — like physical punishments, emotional neglect, social isolation, poor academic performance, bullying — get internalized into the self.

“[Children] think everything is about themselves. When good things happen to a child, the child will assume, “Hey, I must be great because I’ve got all these great things happening.” But if bad things happen to a child, if the child is yelled at or beaten or sexually abused or told to go to their room when their parents don’t like their behavior, or the parents are just depressed or unhappy or stressed — traumatized in their own life — the child thinks, ‘These bad things are happening because I’m a bad person.’ So then you have low self-esteem.”

— Dr. Gabor Mate

When we have a poor self-image, we become dependent on others for attention and recognition. The need for external validation stems from a lack of internal validation.

In serious cases, where there’s a sharp break in early psychological development, usually due to neglectful (or overprotective) parents, the child fails to construct a consistent and realistic feeling of a self. This is what happens with deep narcissists. They have no self to retreat to, no foundation for self-esteem. And so they become completely self-absorbed trying to fill that gaping hole (this is why narcissists lack empathy). It is ironic that self-love has come to be associated with narcissism when the source of the problem for narcissists is that they have no cohesive self to love.

Narcissists usually develop a grandiose sense of self-importance to over-compensate for the lack of self-esteem. In introverts, narcissism can often fly under the radar (vulnerable narcissism) and is often characterized by traits of defensiveness and hypersensitivity.

Here’s the thing though — nothing is black and white. Narcissism exists as a continuum and we all fall somewhere on the spectrum.

We worry about what others think of us. We like people who share our ideas for they reflect our “good” taste. We project our best qualities and insecurities onto others. We are susceptible to flattery. We spend too much time inside our heads think about ourselves. We have an inner monologue running even while talking with other people. We are sensitive to criticism.

Social media has only made it worse. But let’s not open that can of worms right now. We are all self-absorbed — it’s the degree that varies.

In his book, The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene divides narcissists into three categories — deep narcissists, functional narcissists, and “healthy” narcissists.

• Deep narcissists are completely self-absorbed. They cannot empathize with others. To them, people are means to an end. They don’t have the self-esteem to raise themselves out of it and attention is their only way of survival.
• Functional narcissism is the category most of us fall into. We have moments of deep narcissism, but we have a somewhat coherent sense of self that prevents us from falling deep into ourselves. Not feeling continually insecure, functional narcissists can focus their attention outward, into building meaningful projects and relationships.
• Healthy narcissists have a stronger and resilient sense of self. So they don’t need as much validation from others. They accept their flaws and imperfections. So criticisms and insults don’t disturb them.

From this position of inner strength, healthy narcissists can effortlessly and frequently direct their attention outward. This attention flows into two directions — work and relationships.

Healthy narcissists are able to achieve deeper levels of focus in their work. Not needing external validation, they can entertain broader possibilities and channel more creativity, creating great art and innovations in the process.

On the scale of self-absorption, the realm of empathy lies on the negative side, wherein we are able to transcend self-absorption and become completely absorbed in others. Healthy narcissists are able to do this and give a higher quality of attention to the people around them, developing strong empathetic powers and deep relationships.

Our goal should be to rise above our native self-absorption and transform into healthy narcissists. And to do that, counterintuitively, we need to start with self-acceptance and self-compassion.

Thank you for reading. Most of the content on this website has emerged from conversations with readers like you. Every other Sunday, I send out an email dissecting some aspect of the human mind.

If you can take out a few minutes every once in a while, I’ll try to help you develop a deeper understanding of how our mind works. So that you can create a life full of beauty, joy, and love. 

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